Have you ever stared at a condolence card and not known what to write? If so, you are not alone. Before my son died, I did not know what to say or do to express my condolences and would sometimes avoid the situation completely rather than risk saying the wrong thing. I do remember how much I benefited from the consoling words and actions of many of my friends and family. They eased the pain and provided support.

I think our culture in America treats death as taboo and something private. It is often difficult to talk about. When someone we know dies, though, we want to be there for them, to comfort and help however we can, but just don’t know where to begin. Whatever you choose to do will be unique to yourself and to the situation, but if you begin with sincerity and understanding, it will help the newly bereaved. I can offer some simple suggestions that I personally found very healing as a grieving parent.

• You and your family are in our prayers.
• Grandpa Joe will never be forgotten.
• Grandpa Joe touched our lives and will be missed.
• You are in my thoughts and prayers.
• I was deeply saddened to hear of your loss.
• I am sorry for your loss.

You may also wish to choose an appropriate quote, verse, or phrase that expresses your feelings. (See Quotes on Grief for ideas)

Sharing a fond memory about the deceased personalizes your note. These memories are among the most precious things the bereaved has, and is helpful to know that others hold those memories dear as well:

• I will always remember the way Grandpa Joe used to make me laugh.
• He was such a nice person. He will be missed.
• She will live on in the lessons she taught others.

Think carefully before including clichés that may diminish the bereaved’s emotions. The following are some examples of phrases that you may wish to avoid:

• It was God’s will.
• Think of what you have to be thankful for.
• He’s in a happier place.
• Don’t cry.
• I know exactly what you are going through.
• It’s time to move on.

• The bereaved may be preoccupied, if not obsessed, with their own emotions and may not be in a state to acknowledge your condolences. Even if you don’t hear a response, know that your expressions of condolence matter.
• Listen. Sometimes just being there is more healing than anything you could express.
• Encourage the bereaved to shed tears If he or she needs to; it helps the healing process.
• Add and share memories of the deceased
• Offer periodic notes, phone calls and visits

Sympathy Cards
Many bereaved keep and re-read cards during times of grief. Even a short line or note above your signature makes the card more personal than your signature alone. In addition, it means so much to have your deceased loved ones remembered on future birthdays and death anniversaries. Sending a simple card that you remember and you care can mean so much to someone who is grieving.

Anniversary Dates
To have your deceased loves ones remembered on future birthdays and death anniversaries is a loving on-going memorial. You may wish to send a card as these important dates in your loved one’s life approach to express that you remember and care.

Flowers Flowers
can be a great comfort to the family and may be sent to the funeral home or the residence. Send the deceased favorites (if known) or something that has personal meaning. Many flowers have specific symbolic meaning. (See Symbolism of the Butterfly to see the symbolism of various flowers)

In Lieu of Flowers…
If the family asks that donations should be made in lieu of flowers, you should honor the request.

Other Ideas

Memorial Gifts – Choose a charity or cause that the family or deceased was passionate about. A memorial acknowledgement is usually sent with the donation, but you may want to include the information in a personal condolence card as well.

Tree Planting – A tree planting in memory of the deceased is a beautiful way to give back to nature and the family. Choose a special spot within the community.

Grief Book or Blank Journal – There are many books that help to cope with grief (see Grief Resources). Another possibility is a journal or a photo album so the bereaved can capture memories and feelings.

Acts of Service – Small acts such as bringing food, offering to help with funeral arrangements, babysitting, and picking up out of town guests, may seem minor but can be a huge boon to those in grief. Be attentive to the situation, and no matter how small it seems, it will help the bereaved.

For more ideas, visit Memory JAR’s Gifts & More page which features a variety of special items that may help ease the pain for the bereaved and commemorate your loved one.

Please Ask
Someone asked me about you today.
It’s been so long since anybody has done that.
It felt so good to talk about you.
To share my memories of you,
To simply say your name out loud.
She asked me if I minded talking about
What happened to you…
Or would it be too painful to speak of it.
I told her I think of it every day
And speaking about it helps me to release
The tormented thoughts whirling around in my head.
She said she never realized the pain
Would last this long…
She apologized for not asking sooner.
I told her, “Thanks for asking.”
I don’t know if it was curiosity
Or concern that made her ask,
But told her, “Please do it again sometime…
Soon.”

By Barbara Taylor Hudson